Disarm All Of Your Hate.

It’s quite weird how much I think about something when I get judged.

A lot of people get defensive, others take it really badly and go off their nut, and some just shrug it off.

I don’t know or remember how I usually react to being judged, but today, I got really analytical.

I got judged for having a Tumblr (thanks Tash) and while I don’t particularly care about being judged for this, I just rolled the thought in my head, and pondered on what I actually have on here.

I have come to the conclusion that these pages are filled with excessive angst. It’s not what I set out to achieve when I begin writing, but it was what I managed to do, and for this reason, I’m going to stop blogging on this particular blog.

When it comes to writing, I feel, and I do have, a high standard of expression for myself. I should not be writing with so much angst. So, while I will stop blogging here, I will start posting on my other tumblr page.

I won’t delete these pages, because they’re a glimpse into my life that I’d like to refer back to every so often, and just see how much of an idiot I truly was.

If you love me, you’ll follow my other tumblr, which will be filled with my wild imaginings. If not… well then screw you. =D

I hope to attain a higher level of writing style through posting on that page.

Until another time, adieu!

And if you still want to know how emotional I can get, then I have a blogger that I go back to every now and again at: http://totem2010.blogspot.com

Oh, and that other tumblr page: http://aspeckofmymind.tumblr.com/

rofl. that is all.

I’m laughing about this too. Hehe.

Don’t judge the actual URL name, it was the only thing that they’d remember.

So it’s been another year.

What can I say? It’s been like most other years, except for it being the 2nd year of uni for me.

There have been ups, and there have been downs.

I know for sure that this year has given me more reason to move out.

But that’s next year’s goal.

I’ve made some new friends, and lost contact with some old ones, but that’s the way it goes, no?

Perhaps for me, it hasn’t been that big of a change for me to my personality this year.

Maybe others will say otherwise, but I felt that I’ve grown in only the smallest quantity.

I have taken a step towards my dream, however, and that’s pretty huge for me.

Well, I suppose I’m a bit of a killjoy if you read my stuff, especially for it being the end of the year, but you wouldn’t be following me otherwise, right?

Love you all!

I start this post at 4:06AM Boxing Day 2011.

My aim with this post is to type whatever comes into my head, but slightly filtered to have better grammar and to make sense; for an hour straight, so that when I read back on this, I can see how delirious I truly get when  I should actually be sleeping.

Here’s the thing, I need my sleep. I find that if I force myself, I can sleep almost anywhere. For some reason, I have always found it hard to understand why people have difficulties falling asleep, and especially under certain circumstances. I honestly don’t understand it. Say, for example, that a person has too many thoughts, and they say they can’t sleep properly, because they keep thinking, but for me, even when I’m thinking about many things, I still fall asleep. I close my eyes, and whilst I’m thinking, somewhere along the lines, I fall asleep.

I suppose it’s because there has never been much worry when I truly think about things. But I do worry. I worry about everything that goes on around me, even though I may seem passive about it all. To me, I think it’s a vicious cycle of non-sleeping. If you don’t get enough sleep, things stress you out more, and you just keep thinking and thinking, and thus, for others as I’ve said, they can’t sleep because they keep thinking and worrying.

I can understand if they have medically diagnosed insomnia, which could just be a result of their body screwing up on them, but when it’s just thoughts that keep a person up, I don’t know. I’m not trying to make it sound like something pathetic, I’m just saying I probably can’t empathise well enough with these people because I’ve never experienced it before.

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I… like stars, and the moon. I like the sky in general, and looking at pictures of outer space. That to me is one of the few mysteries that should not be solved, for if we did penetrate that shroud of unknowing surrounding the universe, then perhaps we have nothing much left to live for.

I love looking at the stars and the moon, especially on a nice clear night like this. The stars are calming but intimidating. I wonder at their marvellous existence, but cower in the knowledge of how big they truly are, because of what I’ve learnt at university. Nothing much, just a semester’s subject on astronomy, but it has imparted knowledge to me which I do believe. Stars are wonderful.

The moon. What can I say about the moon…? At one stage in my young adolescent life, I associated the moon with a girl and I’d be reminded of her everytime I looked at the moon. Now I’m thinking about the red eclipse moons. Such a blood boiling thing to watch. It kind of riles me up, if that’s the way I should say it. To me, the moon is an intrigue that may be accessed at anytime by humans.

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I don’t really want to go into a talk about religion or beliefs here…

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Cars… I don’t see the intrigue that people have in cars. I feel as if I am a bit of a materialistic person, but cars have never had much of a priority for me. Other people like cars really well, and will take very good care of their car, but when I want to buy a car, I’ll really only want a safe car that will drive.

Red, yellow, silver, it doesn’t make much difference to me.

Like cars, however, I don’t have much interest in other materialistic possessions that others desire. But I do have a sense of style and taste, because I think I’ve been brought up that way, that I am able to make decisions on what I like to see, and what others like to see. But having taste doesn’t mean having a yearning for materialistic possessions, does it?

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I really want to move out, but I don’t have the resources to do so yet. I firstly need a job, find a place to rent, and maybe find someone to move out with. It’ll be a long road this coming year, but I am ready to tread on it.

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The cool breeze… My eyes out of focus… That sound you make when you put your tongue between your lips and just blow out (blowing raspberries, I think it’s called?)

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*Mario theme song*

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Theatresports people are lovely. They’re funny, they’re welcoming, they’re understanding. I feel humbled to know them, and I do feel humbled when I’m in their presence. I guess for me, they were the role models I never had in high school. Knowing these people motivate me more to attempt my dream.

My dream? To become a silver screen actor. A good one, hopefully.

And Hayley, if you’re reading this (up to this point), you’re awesome and wonderful. I feel I owe you an apology, because when I first went to jams, I didn’t think we’d make a good connection; I didn’t think we’d hit it off. But you’re such a nice person and I thank you for being who you are from the bottom of my heart.

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I am deathly afraid of death. I find that when I think about taking my last breath, and that slip into unconsciousness during night time, I get a little anxiety attack. I’m fine during the daytime though. It’s just that, I remember when they put me under anasthesia for a surgery once, and I was honestly unconscious for the whole procedure. I don’t even remember dreaming, and when I think about that these days, I get scared, because I think that’s how death is like.

Maybe when I’m older, I’ll just accept that it’s natural because my time is up, but for now, the unknowing of after death scares me. Religion would play no role here. My mindset is what drives me to reject religious afterlives, and my mind is set. I die, I die.

For now, I wish that whilst I have a chance of dying young, I want to go out with a bang. I want it to happen because I did something worth giving my life up for.

The concept of death scares me. But so it does everyone, or else, what would we have to live for?

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Yawn.

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4:40 am Only about 26min left. Oops, it just ticked over to 4:41 am.

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Girls… what can I say… They are the bane of my life. Not so much that I would die because of them; perhaps I will, but maybe without a sex difference in existence, life would be a whole lot boring.

This leads me onto thinking about sex… and one pointer about death. One of my high school goals was that I will not die a virgin. Well, it’s still very much the same now, but I could care less for I think if it happens, it happens. But it’s a little more refined in that I do not wish to die with regrets about letting others know how I feel.

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And back to sex.

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When you think about it, male and female genitalia actually aren’t all that aesthetically pleasing. They actually look quite disgusting, no? Almost alien. At this is my question, if they’re like that, then what do we find so pleasing in seeing them? Why is it we feel turned on by seeing nudity in certain contexts? I can understand if someone were to shun nudity in a very wide, public space, knowing the society that we live in, but why do we actually feel aroused by seeing nudity?

I am probably a bit of a sex-desperate person, but you know, which guy isn’t?

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SEX. OH MY GOD I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WANT IT TO BE SOMETHING ENJOYABLE AND MEMORABLE. FOR ME AND FOR ‘HER’.

‘Her’ in quotation marks because this female person is still undecided, not to be mistaken for any other meaning.

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But here’s the thing. I have a very swinger’s mindset; sex is just sex. You can have sex for fun, or you can have sex to conceive. However, sex to me, is something different to making love. Making love is an act of enjoying a significant others’ body and touch, whereas sex is for the pleasure of just sticking it in someone. Very sexist, admittedly, but no boundaries here on this late night post.

So for me, my perfect girl will think just like me. If she wishes, she can sleep around, because let’s face it, I think quite lowly of myself when it comes to needing to pleasure a woman; I’m not likely to give her the best sex of her life.

But she’ll also allow me to have one night stands too.

But there are a few rules if this ever happens. Probably list them now…

1) There are no feelings involved, such as “ex” sex; and preferrably no continuous reptition of having sex with the same guy

2) Don’t get pregnant

3) Don’t get STIs

4) I still get the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the “I love you”s

I may come up with more but that’s to be determined at a later date.

In short, just a girl who’s sexually open-minded.

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I have something to say, but I’m restraining from making a fool of myself. Just know that this paragraph is a precursor to someone receiving a private message in their ask.

Also know that hopefully the above section does not affect and is not how I think of you, that’s just me being silly.

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The gift giver is the determiner of whether or not a receiver is deserving of the gift, no one else.

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I think the problem I have is that my standards are too high, hence no girlfriend yet.

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How is it I always managed to boil down to talking about relationships, and my lack of one?

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Fuck this, almost over, it’s 5:03 am and the sun’s about to come up. Scratch that, it’s seriously just over the horizon.

I’m still quite awake.

But I’m shaking a lot.

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Tap tap, tappity tap.

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For a while I may look up,
For I think you’re above me,
An angel looking down.

Never a day goes by,
Where I think of you not,
And thus I don’t frown.

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SLEEP TIME.

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I finish this post at 5:07 am Boxing Day 2011

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TL;DR: If you’re bored and have nothing to do, read the whole fucking thing. If not, then don’t.